Self Sabotage – Changing Your Relationship will Change Your Life

Self Sabotage – Change is not the enemy.

Do you promise to work on a failing relationship or walk out on it… and five weeks, five months, five years down the line, you are still with the same person, the same pain…  how many situations like this do you encounter daily, weekly, monthly, year in, year out. What is it in you that stops you from creating the change you want in your life, despite your very best intentions. Here is a shocking example of just what happens when you except the non acceptable…

One of the greatest challenges you face when it comes to overcoming self sabotage is “change” plain and simple. At a below conscious level your mind is designed to keep you comfortable and this invariably leads to you not wanting to change your eating habits, poor behaviours and even toxic relationships. Here is a cautionary tale of what happened to a woman who was in a self sabotage type of relationship.

A friend of mine called Stuart is a district judge and he told me about a woman who, after twenty years of marriage, filed for divorce. The woman told Stuart, who was a young lawyer at the time, that her husband had beaten her up every Friday night since they first got married. She said that he would return from the pub and promptly attack her. Stuart said that she had an unquestionable reason for divorcing him, but the woman said that that wasn’t the reason for her seeking a divorce. Believe it or not, what had triggered her into taking action was the fact that “recently he has started going out on a Saturday night and giving me the same treatment when he comes home and that won’t do at all!”

Wanting the world to stay the same can be self sabotaging 

The Friday night beatings were known and part of a familiar pattern, something she had learned to live with. The Saturday night beatings were different and a challenge to the status quo, finally bringing her out of her comfort zone. In the chaos and confusion that was created by this change, she found the wherewithal to make a positive transformation in her life and was able to access the many more, infinite possibilities that existed outsider her abusive marriage. If only that lady knew what else is outside the box, she could have saved herself years and years of pain and misery. Some people would sooner die than change.

Opportunity, and lots of it, is just around the next bend if you are willing to go beyond your comfort zone and beyond self sabotage? The more you step outside the box, the more fear you face, the more opportunity you will encounter – and the more likely you’ll be to live the life you’ve always dreamed of!

The Saboteur Within is going to show you how to stop self sabotage; break out of your box, tear down those walls, and to conquer the fear that’s been holding you back. So far you’ve been outnumbered. The conscious mind is the tip of the iceberg; it accounts for about 5% of your daily thoughts. The other 95%?  That’s your entire unconscious mind; that’s all you hear, all day long, telling you “no” instead of “yes” and “don’t” instead of “do.” Taking control at this level of consciousness means that you can stop self sabotage now.


To Mother or to Smother?

“I can’t live if living is without you!” there is a song around here somewhere ☺ Think about those words for a moment, what happens if you don’t feel the same way? Or if you would to break up, spend time on your own, or simply breathe. Do you feel you are suffocating within your relationship? Then there may be a “Smother” present.

A “Smother” has very low self-worth and low self–esteem. Giving over his or her whole life for the other person. Though you might think I am about to bash mothers now, you would be wrong, because a Smother can be of either sex. One just has to be willing to believe that one can not live or even breath without thinking about the other, whilst never allowing the other to be anything else than perfect.

It may sound pretty good at first to have a slave at your beck and call and some people survive quite well on this relationship but is it really healthy to breast feed a forty year old? Or to wipe their backside??

Look around you more and more people are handing their lives over to prescription drugs every day, in order to get through life. Just under 46.7 million prescriptions for antidepressants were dispensed in 2011, a rise of 3.9 million on 2010. How depressing must it be then, to have someone jump out in front of you every time you feel like taking a risk, only to supress your thoughts of going out and grabbing a big chunk of life?

This can be a very unconscious process by the way; your mind might just be running an all encompassing pattern of motherhood which causes you to always put yourself second and sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of your child/partner.

This is no picnic for you if you are the one being smothered and you want to be free, because your smother will lay huge guilt trips on you. “oh it’s alright, don’t mind me, and all that I have done for you! Just leave me here alone”. Yes, if this pattern fits, then you will be able to feel the guilt choking you! ☺

So if you are a  “Smother” please seek help and begin to live your own life. You will begin to feel better about yourself and the people that you love will be allowed to love you back, without feeling that they have to!

If you are being smothered then help the other person to get help don’t try this one yourself as there can be a number of issues beneath the surface, just remember love is the driver for this behaviour.

Love lives inside of you and not within someone or something else xxx


When is a woman not a woman? When she’s a wife…

I have been reading this article from the New York Times magazine about what does it mean to be a good wife and it got me wondering, perhaps the reasons the author has put forward go even deeper. What if a girl, called Mary, in todays modern world has grown up with a bad mother role model, which may then lend itself to a bad wife role model. All of this happens as Mary is growing up and for the main it goes on at an unconscious level.

Now Mary is on boyfriend 527 and counting as she doesn’t want to commit to a relationship that means marriage, because that means she becomes a “wife” which her unconscious mind is geared to preventing her from doing, as it is associated with pain, misery and hurt.

On the other hand Mary might still be in her first relationship and keeping her partner on the line for 20 years or more, until the partner leaves out of desperation, or forces Mary into getting married, Ouch! Mary might go ahead with the wedding but become increasingly uncomfortable with the relationship and not know why? Unconsciously Mary has become the very thing that she promised she would never be “a wife” so the marriage can be doomed to failure because Mary hasn’t worked with transforming how she can still be herself and that “wife” doesn’t mean imprisonment, or does it?

I have met countless examples of this over the years and it’s an all to common phenomena. Perhaps you know of a couple who have been going out together for years and yet as soon as they got married they split up within a year or so.
If you suffer from this too, you might want to make a list of what “wife” means to you and then ask your partner and friends to make a list also, you will be quite fascinated with the results, I am sure.

Drop me an email with your thoughts please on what wife means to you, change the word to husband and you get a similar result ☺


How To Stop Self Sabotaging Your Relationships

Thank you for landing on my page. If you’ve been searching the internet for how to stop self sabotaging your relationships, I am sure that you will have come across many different scenarios. Here I am going to offer you a few tips, then, when you take on board my insights, by applying  how to stop self sabotaging your relationships tips, you can have the relationship that you want.

How to stop self sabotaging your relationships by defining your relationship

Defining your relationship is usually the first place to start. Think about what you want specifically from the relationship and how you feel about it. For example if you do not have many close friends and you wonder why you find it difficult to get into a relationship or maintain one, it could be that you are not in the relationship zone.

How to stop self sabotaging your relationships Best Tip 1

Start to spend more time with acquaintances and build upon your current relationships. This will build your self-esteem, self confidence and allow you to become more comfortable with others. It’s a bit like taking your vehicle out on the road for a test drive.

If you suck at this side maybe you need some coaching or professional help. This doesn’t mean that you are a loser or anything like that it simply means that you need a hand in getting your product into a package that the market wants 🙂

How to stop self sabotaging your relationships Best Tip 2

Spring Clean Your Friends.

Have a look at your friends and be honest with yourself. Are they genuine friends or have you just been hanging around them but never really getting anything back from the relationship? I remember when my father died I had arranged to meet up with a guy I had been calling “a friend” for several years. When he showed up I explained that I might not be the best company owing to my bereavement. My “friend” replied “Wait until you hear the week that I have had!!”
I have never spoken to that person again and wow did that free me up to develop some wonderful friendships.

How to stop self sabotaging your relationships Best Tip 3

By your friends be judged!

As you think about your friends notice where do you know them from? Are they long time friends or short term? If all of your friends are from your workplace what will happen if you lose your job? You might only ever speak in work place jargon so that will make it hard for you if you go out on a date with someone who doesn’t work at your place. You might also settle for going out with someone from work because it’s the easy thing to do. STOP!!! You run the risk of self sabotaging a work relationship as well as your job! If you break up you might feel so bad that you have to leave your employment, that means you loose your social group too!

Make sure that you have a variety of people to spend time with and you will grow. Somebody once said that you become the sum total of the five people you spend the most time with. What does that say about you?

The How to stop self sabotaging your relationships Best Tips will continue in my next blog.